How I met Lakshmi
In October of 1996 I was in a an awful marriage..
I didn't trust myself at all, as a young adult, or respect my own needs.
I didn't really have any desires either.
(I prided myself on that one, and used it as an excuse for not moving forward.)
I felt like a martyr, and not a very good one either.
I was, however, an "open" person. I did love a good adventure.. and I still do.
When my mother told me of an opportunity to come to a very special Ashram as special guests of her friend, Dr. Terry Gold, to hear a talk by her "guru" it sounded like an auspicious proposition.
I was curious and had absolutely no preconceived notions of what this experience might be like.
Which was a good thing.
I couldn't have been prepared for the scene that unfolded
as we got to the ashram, and stepped off the tour bus.
We walked for quite a while up to the building, and were greeted by swamis dressed in orange robes who bowed slightly to us..beautifully kept gardens, and serene nature vignettes that were very inviting..
I still couldn't relax and wanted to get inside to see what goes on inside.
After removing our shoes and putting them in tiny cubbies,
I wondered how I would find them again amidst the thousands of other shoes..
There were so many people moving about in silence.
Men dressed in tunics, women dressed in colorful saris,
more shaved monks and swamis in robes..it was colorful and foreign and exciting.
Mom and I observed silence too, making easily interpreted faces at each other.
(what is THAT? Weird. Okaaaayyyy.Giggles. Solemn-serious..etc.)
We found a spot at the back of the room directly infront of these 2 gigantic geodes that were facing outward. We kind of sat "inside" them, they were so big!
The Guru came out and assumed her place at the Dais.
She was a young looking indian woman who exuded gentleness and radiated joy.
I liked her right away.
This was the full moon closest to the anniversary of the death of her own Guru.
(Gurupurnima, i believe it's called..and coincidentally it is that time again ,exactly, as I write this)
and led us in a chant that honored him.
I had never chanted before, and the foreign words felt strange to me,
but as the cadance of Gurumayis voice filled the room,
we all copied her as best we could.
After a long while...an hour...two? I was experiencing a trancendant reality..
And when we stopped chanting, the room continued to buzz and humm with energy..
(could have been those giant geodes too)
I was smiling and happy..I hadn't felt so light in so long.
People lined up to recieve Shaktipat, a blessing that awakens kundalini, from the Guru.
Some followers were bowing to the floor at her feet, this was so very strange to my eyes and I looked away, making small talk with mom while we waited on the winding, long line.
The beautiful Guru smiled and nodded as she waved a peacock feather over each person that came to her.
I felt a little foolish and questioned every thought I had, as I approached the dais.
Our Friend, Dr. Gold waved us on to to the Dais and introduced us as "family & friends", The gentle voice of the Guru repeated, "family and friends" as she smiled wide and nodded her head. I was a bit shocked that she spoke to us, and started to think maybe I was special. But how could that be? I didn't bow to the ground, I was "new" to all of this type of guru devotion, and I awkwardly offered a "mini-bow" to be polite...When in Rome, Right?
After shaktipat, I looked up
.. The Guru was staring at me intently.
And as if she could read my confusion and ego-struggling-inner-dialogue.
She did the most unexpected thing.
She threw her head back and laughed with her mouth open.
For a long time.
Without making any audible laughing sound.
I was stunned.
My hand went over my heart and I looked at my mom questioningly.
We unceremoniously turned toward the back doors..the geodes..
and my mom was holding me by the arm.(Did I swoon?)
I asked her, barely out of the earshot of everyone in proximity of the dais
"what the hell was that? What does THAT mean?"
(I was barely 22, please cut me some slack)
Mama said, "maybe you need to have a sense of humor about all that's going on right now."
I wasn't really convinced, and I wasn't really comforted..
Actually, I was really uncomfortable.
We left the room, I found my shoes (without any trouble),
and ate a vegetarian lunch in their cafeteria that consisted of
"I-have-no-idea-what-is-on-my-plate", indian food.
Tasty.
We were offered an opportunity to do "seva" and wash dishes,
we politely thanked them for that experience and declined, "umm, no thanks."
Afterwards we followed some people through a hall to a special 'temple room'
with a larger-than-life statue of of the previous guru surrounded by fresh flowers.
They bowed to the floor and kissed the sandals that he used to wear, that were by the entrance to the shrine. I was out of my element here, so I just went and sat down to the right of the golden statue..The sunlight from the skylight in the room filtered into a laser beam that went directly to my head. I felt like a very lucky cat relaxed there in the sunbeam, as the heat got more and more intense, I delved into a very deep meditation. I have no clue as to how long I stayed in that room, colorful sari-ed people came and went...
I felt compelled (?!) suddenly to see more of the Ashram and walked with my mom outside the room and down the hall.
There she was.
The Guru was walking toward us.
I wanted to run the other way, (my mind raced, what would I say?)
and then a family with a child intercepted her and the guru was taking great interest in their child..
I was grateful for the escape opportunity and chose a corridor I hadn't noticed before, and kind of sneakily went around the bend and right there, after the turn...
Mom and I stopped in our tracks..
A huge (40 feet tall?) painting made me gasp out loud.
It was a huge painting of the Goddess Lakshmi.
Now this image is one thing..
But seeing This Goddess at that impressive size imprinted me so deeply.
Her hands were painted as the Gurus hands, I recognized that immediately.
Bestowing blessings with mudras,offering knowledge,
and holding a beautiful flower, in reverance for Beauty.
I wanted to light the candles on the altar table infront of me.
Mom grabbed my wrist really hard, like my Scottish Nanny and said, "you better not".
(still funny!).
We left that scene and went outside,
and there was sign that said, "please do not climb the mountain".
It looked just like the ceremonial celtic man-made mountain called a "tump" that I had just read about on a plane ride to Florida, a trip I just got back from.
(I had a powerful vision there in FL that I would leave my husband and the marriage and be free.)
So not heeding the sign, rebellious young thing that I was, I climbed right up there.
It sure was what I thought it was, it had a ceremonial fire-pit in the center and small indentations in the grass that looked like stadium seating.
It was pretty cool.
I sat there, listening,
I felt that surely the goddess would speak to me now.
I could hear crickets, wind and I could even hear the clouds floating.
But no voice.
Then, My heartbeat became audible, and it was disturbing my ears.
I couldn't hear anything else.
I was angry, and climbed down.
Mom was waiting there, she said, "So?"
I said, "yeah well, all I could hear was my heartbeat up there..I got nothing."
She questioned me and looked at me hard, "Is your heartbeat nothing?.... or is it something?"
I vowed right then to listen to my heart..
That month I saved up enough to get my own apartment, took the cat, left my abusive husband w/ half of our savings, and hit the ground running to my brand new life of service (seva) and Lila (divine Play).
I'll be sharing my current experiences in my upcoming workshop, "Divine Play Goddess Bellydance" visit www.longislandgoddess.com for more details
I didn't trust myself at all, as a young adult, or respect my own needs.
I didn't really have any desires either.
(I prided myself on that one, and used it as an excuse for not moving forward.)
I felt like a martyr, and not a very good one either.
I was, however, an "open" person. I did love a good adventure.. and I still do.
When my mother told me of an opportunity to come to a very special Ashram as special guests of her friend, Dr. Terry Gold, to hear a talk by her "guru" it sounded like an auspicious proposition.
I was curious and had absolutely no preconceived notions of what this experience might be like.
Which was a good thing.
I couldn't have been prepared for the scene that unfolded
as we got to the ashram, and stepped off the tour bus.
We walked for quite a while up to the building, and were greeted by swamis dressed in orange robes who bowed slightly to us..beautifully kept gardens, and serene nature vignettes that were very inviting..
I still couldn't relax and wanted to get inside to see what goes on inside.
After removing our shoes and putting them in tiny cubbies,
I wondered how I would find them again amidst the thousands of other shoes..
There were so many people moving about in silence.
Men dressed in tunics, women dressed in colorful saris,
more shaved monks and swamis in robes..it was colorful and foreign and exciting.
Mom and I observed silence too, making easily interpreted faces at each other.
(what is THAT? Weird. Okaaaayyyy.Giggles. Solemn-serious..etc.)
We found a spot at the back of the room directly infront of these 2 gigantic geodes that were facing outward. We kind of sat "inside" them, they were so big!
The Guru came out and assumed her place at the Dais.
She was a young looking indian woman who exuded gentleness and radiated joy.
I liked her right away.
(Gurupurnima, i believe it's called..and coincidentally it is that time again ,exactly, as I write this)
and led us in a chant that honored him.
I had never chanted before, and the foreign words felt strange to me,
but as the cadance of Gurumayis voice filled the room,
we all copied her as best we could.
After a long while...an hour...two? I was experiencing a trancendant reality..
And when we stopped chanting, the room continued to buzz and humm with energy..
(could have been those giant geodes too)
I was smiling and happy..I hadn't felt so light in so long.
People lined up to recieve Shaktipat, a blessing that awakens kundalini, from the Guru.
Some followers were bowing to the floor at her feet, this was so very strange to my eyes and I looked away, making small talk with mom while we waited on the winding, long line.
The beautiful Guru smiled and nodded as she waved a peacock feather over each person that came to her.
I felt a little foolish and questioned every thought I had, as I approached the dais.
Our Friend, Dr. Gold waved us on to to the Dais and introduced us as "family & friends", The gentle voice of the Guru repeated, "family and friends" as she smiled wide and nodded her head. I was a bit shocked that she spoke to us, and started to think maybe I was special. But how could that be? I didn't bow to the ground, I was "new" to all of this type of guru devotion, and I awkwardly offered a "mini-bow" to be polite...When in Rome, Right?
After shaktipat, I looked up
.. The Guru was staring at me intently.
And as if she could read my confusion and ego-struggling-inner-dialogue.
She did the most unexpected thing.
She threw her head back and laughed with her mouth open.
For a long time.
Without making any audible laughing sound.
I was stunned.
My hand went over my heart and I looked at my mom questioningly.
We unceremoniously turned toward the back doors..the geodes..
and my mom was holding me by the arm.(Did I swoon?)
I asked her, barely out of the earshot of everyone in proximity of the dais
"what the hell was that? What does THAT mean?"
(I was barely 22, please cut me some slack)
Mama said, "maybe you need to have a sense of humor about all that's going on right now."
I wasn't really convinced, and I wasn't really comforted..
Actually, I was really uncomfortable.
We left the room, I found my shoes (without any trouble),
and ate a vegetarian lunch in their cafeteria that consisted of
"I-have-no-idea-what-is-on-my-plate", indian food.
Tasty.
We were offered an opportunity to do "seva" and wash dishes,
we politely thanked them for that experience and declined, "umm, no thanks."
Afterwards we followed some people through a hall to a special 'temple room'
with a larger-than-life statue of of the previous guru surrounded by fresh flowers.
They bowed to the floor and kissed the sandals that he used to wear, that were by the entrance to the shrine. I was out of my element here, so I just went and sat down to the right of the golden statue..The sunlight from the skylight in the room filtered into a laser beam that went directly to my head. I felt like a very lucky cat relaxed there in the sunbeam, as the heat got more and more intense, I delved into a very deep meditation. I have no clue as to how long I stayed in that room, colorful sari-ed people came and went...
I felt compelled (?!) suddenly to see more of the Ashram and walked with my mom outside the room and down the hall.
There she was.
The Guru was walking toward us.
I wanted to run the other way, (my mind raced, what would I say?)
and then a family with a child intercepted her and the guru was taking great interest in their child..
I was grateful for the escape opportunity and chose a corridor I hadn't noticed before, and kind of sneakily went around the bend and right there, after the turn...
Mom and I stopped in our tracks..
A huge (40 feet tall?) painting made me gasp out loud.
It was a huge painting of the Goddess Lakshmi.
Now this image is one thing..
But seeing This Goddess at that impressive size imprinted me so deeply.
Her hands were painted as the Gurus hands, I recognized that immediately.
Bestowing blessings with mudras,offering knowledge,
and holding a beautiful flower, in reverance for Beauty.
I wanted to light the candles on the altar table infront of me.
Mom grabbed my wrist really hard, like my Scottish Nanny and said, "you better not".
(still funny!).
We left that scene and went outside,
and there was sign that said, "please do not climb the mountain".
It looked just like the ceremonial celtic man-made mountain called a "tump" that I had just read about on a plane ride to Florida, a trip I just got back from.
(I had a powerful vision there in FL that I would leave my husband and the marriage and be free.)
So not heeding the sign, rebellious young thing that I was, I climbed right up there.
It sure was what I thought it was, it had a ceremonial fire-pit in the center and small indentations in the grass that looked like stadium seating.
It was pretty cool.
I sat there, listening,
I felt that surely the goddess would speak to me now.
I could hear crickets, wind and I could even hear the clouds floating.
But no voice.
Then, My heartbeat became audible, and it was disturbing my ears.
I couldn't hear anything else.
I was angry, and climbed down.
Mom was waiting there, she said, "So?"
I said, "yeah well, all I could hear was my heartbeat up there..I got nothing."
She questioned me and looked at me hard, "Is your heartbeat nothing?.... or is it something?"
I vowed right then to listen to my heart..
That month I saved up enough to get my own apartment, took the cat, left my abusive husband w/ half of our savings, and hit the ground running to my brand new life of service (seva) and Lila (divine Play).
I'll be sharing my current experiences in my upcoming workshop, "Divine Play Goddess Bellydance" visit www.longislandgoddess.com for more details
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